neldasue

recovery

2006-12-22T07:41:00.000-08:00

it has been an interesting week. i am recovering from surgery. the first 3-4 days were emotional and somewhat unexpected in nature, but now i find myself peaceful and rested. i hate hospital life, the care and attention i received were of the best kind with relatively nice and caring people, but you can never truly rest there. going home to actually sleep for longer than two hours without interruption was an incredible blessing. i guess i am now relating this to my spiritual life.

my husband and i were deeply hurt numerous times by the church. deeply. we have been seeing a counselor who specializes in pastoral trauma. he insisted we stay home from church, disconnect from any body of believers. the reason? we could never get rest there. we would immediately want to minister to others when our wounds were too deep to heal in an atmosphere of constant need. the body of christ has so many needs, so very many, and we have nothing to give to others because we have been so wounded. it feels as if i have had nothing but bloody stumps on the end of my arms, nothing to offer others help with and these are all i have had to offer in praise to god. i have gone through such a time of anger and even hatred towards the body of christ. i am so thankful to have had a wise counselor, one who has walked this path before. i will post some of my past thoughts soon. i was too wounded to share my true feelings for so long, unable to even allow others in.

maybe soon i can look at the bride of christ again, feel some what safe to be there, some how able to be unafraid of being hurt there, or at least able to receive minor wounds or infections again. i am grateful to those who have reached out to us and ministered to us. if only you knew how thankful i am and at the same time how scary some things are. it is hard to return to the place where your wounds occurred...

recovery? yes, slowly. my body and my heart are recovering. health, now that will be a happy day...when health returns in full.
n

a year

2006-09-16T23:47:00.000-07:00

so the chapter closes while another begins its unfolding. it is amazing. sorrow, yes, but not the overwhelming kind. life is beautiful. i asked the Lord to prune me long ago. i told him i wanted to bear fruit. so, perhaps now i may reflect while my hand is still on the plow. it is rather like stopping for a cool drink of water while wiping the sweat from your forehead. i imagine me removing the working gloves for a moment, placing my hands on my hips and looking over the furrow planted . it was a good row...straight and deep. now the test...the fruit that will come from the seeds that were sown. i am thankful for the hard work, it was worth it all. but, as the direction shifts and changes to create the field of my life, may i continue as he leads.
time to plow again...

n

birthdays

2006-09-12T05:46:00.000-07:00

yesterday was my baby's birthday...he's eighteen now. eighteen years ago i was watching the news reports of the incoming hurricane and looking down at my baby boy. he had flipped just hours before he came and i later heard those dreaded words...c-section. as i cradled him a few hours later and stared at the radar screen i secretly hoped they would allow me to stay an extra day...didn't want to jump in the car to outrun a hurricane. but they released me the next day to evacuate with the crowd. it was, i have to admit, miserable. but not my new fella, he was a wonderful baby...quiet and happy. i was so overjoyed to be home with him when we finally got back to our place. wow...that was eighteen years ago.

happy birthday, ken. i love you.

light battles

2006-09-11T20:10:00.000-07:00

This morning we left the house just a few minutes early. As we pulled out of the driveway I looked up and saw a waning moon shining down. From behind me slowly creeping over the horizon came the pinks and reds of sunrise. Simultaneously these two beautiful lights filled the sky, each glowing as one began it's resignation to the other. Then the clouds got into the act as they surrounded the sun, only the glow was evident suppressed by thickness...for over twenty minutes the battle raged. When I exited the scene the moon glowed on, though somewhat diminished, the sun still battling for its rightful position.

I have felt that way in my heart this week. It is more than a transition in life, it is a spiritual transition as well. Since the unexpected blindsiding of emotion Sunday and the constant desire to quell and push it away moment by moment as I feel it rising to the surface, comes that 'not quite there' fresh new life. It has not apparently arrived...not risen to its place as if held back or covered with a cloud mass that won't allow its rays to warm and illuminate. Spurred on by the encouragement of my friends, I try to see the coming light, searching diligently within my heart...damn the moon and well meaning clouds.

And so I wait. Wait for the Father to part the sky...to reprimand the moon and slap the clouds. Joy comes in the morning...but on mornings like this, patience is a virtue I long to possess.

2006-08-30T20:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a good friend shared something I needed to hear. Encouragement is an incredible thing...somehow it helps to bring clarity and balance to a situation. There have been times over the last few years when the words of others hurt too deeply and the accusations dug deep. God, in his infinite wisdom, however, undermined even my own criticisms of myself and brought me something I needed...friends. Not just friendly people, but those willing to go deep, love on a level many are afraid to venture into.
I hope I am a friend like that...someone who delves into matters and loves with openness and without fear. My imperfections scare the hell out of me...and that makes me put up walls. Somehow God brings along the right person at the right time...one of his own, to help bring them down again and see myself as he sees me. Lovable...flawed, true, but loved to my very depths.

Thank you, my friend. I am glad that your love returned home today. I hope your reunion was sweet.
n

2006-07-19T16:28:00.000-07:00

The dog pooped...no, crapped, in the art room(it became far too messy to just be considered poop). Not in the hallway, not in the workout room, but in my newly created “space of my own let me dance and enjoy being Nelda here” art room. The first time I just rolled my eyes. It was not a big mess to remove. The second got worse. And the third was on my new art books and on some of my work under the architecture table. Yes, he ate something that apparently did not agree with him. Yes, he knows to bark at the back door. No, he did bark for some odd reason and yes, it was messier at each shot.

My dog is a Golden Retriever Mix that I love dearly…he is a great companion and will not let anyone in my home who would harm us. He is gentle, friendly, and ferocious at the same time. He knows people…he can read them in some way and to date…has never been wrong about the character of a person. He has never done this before but he has certainly made a mess of things this time.

I just shampooed these carpets last month. I am certain there is some great spiritual lesson here…maybe you could add it for me!! In the meantime…ummm, I’m busy.

2006-07-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

My husband drives me nuts. Not in a bad way, really, more like in an unnerving fashion that is a little difficult to understand. He does the dishes. Constantly. He rarely waits on the dishes, even when more pressing matters are at hand. I don’t get it. Here is this guy with a master’s degree in public policy who loves the mundane task of doing dishes. He also has a similar response to the laundry. What is up with this guy?

Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that I never have to do the dishes. I rarely do laundry…this is good to my thinking. I feel a bit selfish at times, and guilty in short waves, but overall I do enjoy having more free time on my hands. I do, however, wonder why all of life seems to be preempted by soap suds in one form or another. Perhaps my problem is that I would gladly wait for the clothes to overflow their perspective hampers and literally wave at me from their forgotten state until the job had to be tackled with a sort of enthusiastic loathing, as it should be done. But no, I am married to a man who must rescue the clothing as soon as one load can be accomplished.

My darling husband also makes my coffee while I shower in the morning. This I love. So why, why my adverse reaction to the dishes and laundry obsession? I wish to declare that I would not allow the dishes to stack up…I do love a clean kitchen counter. I just have an aversion to him doing them all the time. Does he not trust me? Is the very action of doing the dishes a passing shot at my procrastinating nature? Am I over analyzing this?

I just don’t know. But, I think I will go dirty up another coffee cup about now, and create another dirty towel…wouldn’t want him slacking off today.

thanks to "Mr. God"

2006-06-28T23:27:00.000-07:00

it was a good read and discussion tonight in our book reading group. we are reading "Mr. God This Is Anna". i love this book. it reminds me of the wonder and mysteries of God and the freshness of looking at him through the eyes of a child. it is one of those books that is easy and yet complicated at the same time. it is a book that makes you pause and think. i want to go explore the vastness of the world around me or sit and watch an ant for hours when i read it. it inspires me to be still and know...and run and holler at the same time.

life is good.

n

Print

2006-06-13T14:31:00.000-07:00

Today I received a mainstream Christian catalogue and felt terribly removed. Few of these things can catch or hold my attention these days. I searched my thoughts and a feeling...was I feeling arrogant? Smug? No, just removed...and not in an isolating kind of fashion...just different. What we in

America

call the "traditional church" (and mind you...I am not knocking the church...especially our history and heritage) seems so distant to me. When we started ministry in the real world...not a sanitized version of it...things got real. Christ's call to live as He lived got real. Who needs a doctor? Who needs a place? Who needs food? Who needs grace and understanding? Who needs love?

How can we turn this ship around?

a yard with a view

2006-06-06T08:09:00.000-07:00

this has no spiritual significance whatsoever....but my dog ate the fence. it seems to me a strange habit...fence eating....but he does it quite often. we replace the boards, he finds another loose one. the neighbors' dogs just have to wimper and there he goes...displaying his manhood...or malehood, i suppose, by eating boards and eventually pulling them off. i need the dog whisperer. i need to get into his psychy. i need some tobasco.

perhaps he is just looking for a toothpick to clean his very large canines. i really don't know. i think i will sit down with him and discuss it...woman to dog. i wonder if he likes hot tea with a little lemon or honey.
time to make the neighbors brownies again. by this time next year i think i will have replaced all the boards...maybe that is what he is after...doesn't like weathered boards....or maybe he is just looking for a yard with a view.
n

fruitbasket turnover

2006-06-03T13:03:00.000-07:00

howdy from texas.

my friend jenna took this photo. i'm not certain why this one hit me the way it did...it really made me think about life...about comparing apples to oranges. i grew up in the church...southern baptist, to be specific. lately i have been doing a great deal of thinking of what it means to be a part of the body of Christ and how we should love and serve one another. it made me ask where our focus is and how and why we are always comparing one person to another...just like comparing apples and oranges. we like carbon copy people...and i for one have never seemed to fit the mold. and i wonder...i wonder what God thinks of it all. i wonder how many times i have thrown out a bad apple that wasn't an apple at all...just another person who was desparately searching for God...like the photo, an orange trying to fit into the apple world. okay...maybe that is a stretch...
so this blog is about learning to be more like Christ...a conversation about how things should be and how we can love and give the grace of God to others...like you and me. you are invited to comment.

and so laugh with me...even about stupid fruit analogies. and help me play a little fruitbasket turnover in my own life.

thanks for the pic, jen.
n