recovery

it has been an interesting week. i am recovering from surgery. the first 3-4 days were emotional and somewhat unexpected in nature, but now i find myself peaceful and rested. i hate hospital life, the care and attention i received were of the best kind with relatively nice and caring people, but you can never truly rest there. going home to actually sleep for longer than two hours without interruption was an incredible blessing. i guess i am now relating this to my spiritual life.

my husband and i were deeply hurt numerous times by the church. deeply. we have been seeing a counselor who specializes in pastoral trauma. he insisted we stay home from church, disconnect from any body of believers. the reason? we could never get rest there. we would immediately want to minister to others when our wounds were too deep to heal in an atmosphere of constant need. the body of christ has so many needs, so very many, and we have nothing to give to others because we have been so wounded. it feels as if i have had nothing but bloody stumps on the end of my arms, nothing to offer others help with and these are all i have had to offer in praise to god. i have gone through such a time of anger and even hatred towards the body of christ. i am so thankful to have had a wise counselor, one who has walked this path before. i will post some of my past thoughts soon. i was too wounded to share my true feelings for so long, unable to even allow others in.

maybe soon i can look at the bride of christ again, feel some what safe to be there, some how able to be unafraid of being hurt there, or at least able to receive minor wounds or infections again. i am grateful to those who have reached out to us and ministered to us. if only you knew how thankful i am and at the same time how scary some things are. it is hard to return to the place where your wounds occurred...

recovery? yes, slowly. my body and my heart are recovering. health, now that will be a happy day...when health returns in full.
n